Monday 25 July 2011

Bogans and their driving antics: the Past Tense (“after they passed, I was tense”)

It’s a pleasant sunny Sunday afternoon and the families are out on the freeways, some going shopping, visiting friends, others are on their way to spend some peaceful time at the beach. Drivers are being careful by correctly signalling their intentions, checking their blind spots before changing lanes, slowing down to let other drivers in. Children are playing in the backseat, their parents are singing along to their favourite tunes on the radio. All is well.

Until….

The bogan enters the flow of traffic, turns the stereo up so that everyone can hear its fully sick sub playing the latest mad dance track, swerving erratically across three lanes. Armed with a racist bumper sticker, high visibility vest and a ciggy and fuelled with a large can of Monster Energy and a sausage roll from a local servo, the bogan puts its foot down on the gas pedal and veers into a tiny gap between the two cars travelling innocently beside him. The purpose of this circus is usually the statistically negligible possibility of arriving one and half minutes earlier that it would have otherwise, just in time to watch a game of footy either on its large plasma TV or down the pub with the rest of the ‘boyz’.

I have lost count of how many times I have found myself being either annoyed at the arrogance of some drivers or plain scared for my life when getting literally pushed off the road by morons. My car especially ‘enjoyed’ getting hit from behind by a fully sick ute driven by a morbidly drunk young bogan on a footy Grand Final day last year. After having a good, long chat with the police straight after the accident (the guy left the scene before police got there), all I got was “sorry, there’s not much we can do. These idiots are everywhere”. At first I was disappointed, but soon after, the disappointment turned into anger. And that’s when I made the promise to myself that next time a bogan decides to play a maxtreme stunt driver, using my car as a prop, a pair of bogan testicle earrings will be added to my jewellery collection.

Emotions aside, the fact remains - when the bogan is behind the wheel, its main priority is the endangerment not only of itself, but also every other road user in the vicinity. Apart from seeing any road as its own elaborate race track, designed exclusively for its life-threatening manoeuvres, the bogan, as I have mentioned before, also gets an incredible rush from saving those precious 90 seconds on a journey. While the bogan generally doesn’t engage in many critically important activities and tends to render missed deadlines irrelevant, when on the road it is always in an urgent hurry. Stop signs are usually ignored and when it is unable to run the red light due to a line of perpendicular traffic, it will quickly assess the car next to it for a potential drag race when the light goes green.

A bogan is entitled to break as many road rules as it wishes, but usually criticises the actions of other road users, even when the actions involve driving safely and correctly. If someone merges into a lane in front of a bogan, the results will depend on a number of factors, such as the presence of personalised number plates, how badly it wants to go to the local shopping centre and degree to which the offending motorist is perceived to be Asian. If the bogan feels only slightly provoked, it will usually either engage its horn, or scream from inside the car and make obscene gestures. Unfortunately, the bogan is only ever seconds away from an episode of road rage. If anger levels become too high, the maxtremely tough road warrior will emerge from its 1.2 tonnes of steel and glass castle in a blind fury. It will then proceed to lure the other driver out of their car with its elaborate tribal roadside dance, which usually involves kicking door panels and spitting. It will then return to its car and speed off into the distance (the next set of traffic lights 200 metres up the road). When booked for road ranging, speeding or going around roundabouts on two wheels, the bogan will get vocal and madly furious about such complex political issues as “the nanny state” and “revenue raising”, giving, in its opinion, a fairly plausible justification “I pay me fuckin’ rego!”. Further justifications will include something on the lines of…

“I was drivin’ me fuckin’ new yellow V8 yoot along the freeway the other day, and there was this prick in a little fuckin’ small car drivin’ along my lane doin’ only the fuckin’ speed limit! Not even five k’s over, like what you’re supposed to do in the right hand lane. It should have got over into the small car lane where all the other small cars and Camrys and shit were doin’ less than the limit. The right lane’s for us people that have proper fuckin’ yoots and V8s and shit so we can overtake them shit cars. Not for them nancy girly cars what come from fuckin’ Yoorop or fuckin’ Japan. If yer car’s not a proper fuckin’ Aussie Chev-ro-lett, then you should just fuck off back to whatever fuckin’ country your carnty little car comes from.

So anyway, this carnt was drivin’ along in the right hand lane, only doing the limit, and not a proper bit over like what you’re supposed to do in the right lane. So I thought I’d give him a bit of a hint about how much of a carnt that deserved a glassin’ he was, so I got right up close behind him where I could proper dazzle him when I flashed the yoots lights at him, and where that carnt could see the finger sign I flipped at him all proper. And you know what? The fuckin’ carnt slowed down! I mean, he eventually got outta my way when the cars in the other lane went past, but shit, he coulda sped up and gone in front of the other cars, rather than slowed me down. Fuckin’ carnt.

Anyway, I the little carnt got outta my way, so I proper opened the yoot up to make up the lost time. And you know what fuckin’ happened? There was a fuckin speed camera out there. Fuckin’ got flashed. I wanted to get out and give the bastard with the camera a good fuckin’ glassin’ for bein’ a revenue raisin’ carnt. Now, I reckon’ I was only doin’ about 15 over the limit, so it’s just blatant fuckin’ revenue raisin’ – and the bloody camera wasn’t in a location they’d mentioned on the seven noos last night, so I reckon I shouldn’t havta pay the revenue raisin’ carnts. Did I say how them fuckin’ revenue raisin’ carnts are bloody un-Orstrayan in what they rip money off rool Aussie battlers?”

Monday 11 July 2011

Leonard: For God's sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth? Sheldon (intrigued): You have a sarcasm sign?

Fr*** Fe*** June 17 at 9:19pm Report
wow, thats a pretty russian girl. how are u Alex, sorry for jumping on ur page like that.



Alina Alexandra June 18 at 12:35am

Hi Fr***, yes, I must admit I felt a little violated because you invaded my personal cyber space. Plus you called me Alex, which is neither my first name nor my last name...not even my middle name. Not a good start to a conversation.


Fr*** Fe*** June 18 at 1:41pm Report

wow, sorry bout that Alexandra, i tot u will take Alex for short, my bad.Well how much will that cost me? a shot? or a long formal apology? and forinvading ur cyber space, i think i already said sorry coz i konw its wrong, but how will inot appreciate something i just saw, huh?


Fr*** Fe*** June 18 at 1:41pm Report

If my apology is accepted, may i please ask how was your week?

Fr*** Fe*** June 18 at 1:42pm Report
much care and respect as u can see,Fr***



Alina Alexandra June 18 at 2:19pm

And yet you still got it wrong, Fr***. First name comes first right? So please make appropriate conclusions.


Fr*** Fe*** June 18 at 2:55pm Report

Alina,haha, dammmm, u whooping ma back on this, all good, Alina Alexandra, can I just use one name then ? say Alina?



Alina Alexandra June 18 at 2:58pm

Well, I don't know, can I just call you Fe*** instead??



Fr*** Fe*** June 18 at 2:59pm Report

well, i just assumed that you ll prefer to be called Alexandra, coz to me its a strong nice meaningful name, well i guess i was a bit selfish. yeah sure u can call me Fe***, as a matter of fact , i will prefer Fe*** coz Fr*** sounds so soft,

Fr*** Fe*** June 18 at 3:03pm Report
or u can call me Dayce, Blurdee, anything that can make us start a friendly conversation. lol. but yeah, Real name Fr*** Fe*** (added childhood name),



Alina Alexandra June 18 at 4:14pm

What makes you think we are not having a friendly conversation? Ok, I shall call you Porkie.



Fr*** Fe*** June 18 at 4:43pm Report
haha, I mean friendly in a way that i should not be getting tiny stings on ma face for saying some u dont buy, haha,or i have to read tro my msg about four times,dot all the Ice(Is) and make sure Alina is not violated in anyway, lol, and before I accept that Porkie name, u have to ask me first, sure i will hmmm, naaa, thats no good name lol.nwy? How is ur week? i guess u must be doing really well out here.


Fr*** Fe*** June 19 at 6:50pm Report

hey hey hey Alina,this gorgeous girl.Hhow was ur weekend?



Alina Alexandra June 19 at 11:56pm

It was great, Porkie. I had great fun catching butterflies, shaving my cat and stalking random people on Facebook. Do you enjoy stalking random people on Facebook too?



Fr*** Fe*** June 20 at 12:14am Report

Haha. Well sometimes u have to enjoy what you do right?. Tho it might not be the things u like doing especially if u don't get them. So did u get any?lol. And by the way u shud be in bed now. Lol. Is night time best time for stalking? Lol.u teaser. Haha. Enjoy ur msg tho. Well I guess ur cat have to go tro this winter with no fur on him.(her) or u training her to resustrge cold if u ever take her to Moscow. Lol. Hugs .
Fr*** Fe*** June 20 at 12:18am Report
Sorry. Replace the Chinese word with resist. See, I have to reread my msg so I know what am expecting from you. Can I just call you Stalkie?lol. Coz u just calked me Porkie without even asking my mama. Haha. She whoop ur ass if she hear that. Lol.


Alina Alexandra June 20 at 12:53pm
Sorry it took so long to reply. I was training my cat to resist the cold weather so I placed him in the fridge for half an hour.



Fr*** Fe*** June 20 at 5:48pm Report

nah thats find hun, I was actually waiting for a reply last night, atleast something to keep me busy coz I was bored as hell plus just like reading from a funny nice random diva.watching movie all night wit the shitty perth weather. Aawwww, poor lil cat, what ya doing to him Alina?animal rights pleassssssse... lol. Well I dont really know who u are but I can tell u a funny interesting person and I guess that friend request i sent will take ages, as long as I m not dead, I ll always wait for it, haha,

Fr*** Fe*** June 20 at 5:49pm Report
how is ur day? i m working bored at work now as hell. Mondays as usual and long hrs, hehe. Glad reading from you okay? hugs
Fr*** Fe*** June 20 at 5:49pm Report
Oops, Porkie, hahaha



Alina Alexandra June 20 at 6:24pm

I love my cat.


Fr*** Fe*** June 20 at 6:47pm Report
If u didn't love him u won't have had him right? What type of cat we talking bout?



Alina Alexandra June 20 at 10:05pm

The one with 4 paws, 2 ears and a tail.



Fr*** Fe*** June 21 at 7:51pm Report

so what is this diva Alina doing out here in Perth?


Alina Alexandra June 21 at 9:47pm
Studying rocket science, knitting, and pet grooming.


Fr*** Fe*** June 22 at 6:39pm Report
cool. what are u aspiring for? or u just wonna be some female Neil Amstrong? are u a clever girl?



Alina Alexandra June 22 at 9:14pm

Clever? I think genius is a more appropriate word


Fr*** Fe*** June 22 at 9:45pm Report
OK.


Fr*** Fe*** June 22 at 9:48pm Report

What ever you give urself I take it but I think you are more of a clever girl,even just being Einstein's driver,lol.thats why I cancelled the friend request, hehe

Fr*** Fe*** June 25 at 2:17pm Report
so how is this genuis doing this wek end? loving the weather right? good for studying. sup?



Alina Alexandra June 25 at 4:06pm

Do you enjoy shaving animals?



Fr*** Fe*** June 25 at 4:15pm Report

well if the animal is cute like a baby Leopard, I might, but im allergic to fur.
Fr*** Fe*** June 25 at 4:15pm Report
why u asking that?



Alina Alexandra June 25 at 5:18pm

You sound like a person who would be into shaving pets.



Fr*** Fe*** June 25 at 5:29pm Report

haha. set it on fire for bout halh an hr makes ma job easy. haha. how is ur studies? where u studying actually?

Fr*** Fe*** June 25 at 5:51pm Report
joks, well if the pet is as cute as Alina, why wont i enjoy shaving it,



Alina Alexandra June 25 at 6:08pm

I am studying rocket science and the Rocket Science University...externally.



Fr*** Fe*** June 25 at 6:36pm Report

Some kind of distance edu or what? where the Rocket science Uni at? hope am not bugging u wit questions okay? its just trying to make a conversation but just interested in things u say, funny and seems like it doesnt make sense but it actually creates some nice smiley way of conversiong, haha

Fr*** Fe*** June 27 at 5:27pm Report
how was the other week end?



Alina Alexandra June 28 at 8:09am

I had a great weekend. I've finally managed to solve the following equation:
f(p,q)e^nq - e^nq f(p,q) = e^nq ∑ (cn^3/fj^4) -(a cos ns/L = b sin ns/L - 2sin1/2)
Where c = total number of hairs left on my cat's body after shaving.



Fr*** Fe*** June 28 at 10:32am Report

So there's no hair left on him right?


Alina Alexandra June 28 at 11:19am
Yes, the result I obtained was c = 0, which was statistically significant.


Fr*** Fe*** June 28 at 11:38am Report
Yeh even a factory worker like me csntell that the left side of ur equation is zero soooo all ur complicated right side sin and coz didn't matter. Haha. Wow. Atleast I can still recognize some few things in advanced maths. Lol. U use maths to communicate right? Can I try u some?


Alina Alexandra June 28 at 12:01pm
Yes, I usually communicate using quantum mechanics jargon, especially if {viA} is an orthonormal basis for HA and {ujB} is an orthonormal basis for HB, in which case the set of pairs (viA, ujB) is taken to form an orthonormal basis for the tensor product space H(A)* H(B). The notation viA⊗ujB is used for the pair (viA,uj B), and inner product on HA⊗HB is defined as:

viA x umB | vjA x unB> =


Fr*** Fe*** June 28 at 6:19pm Report
haha, Alina, wqell i give up now, cant even think of thinking bout Hilbert,Vector spaces n tensor products now okay?all these your quantum microscopic world and its controversies, haha, all i know is that 1+1 =2 if all the ones had the same direction(vectors), and 2 is better than 1, u know what I mean? u one crazy girl. and yeh I like u more, haha, soo apart of these jargons, how is everything, how bout you n family, how do u get along out here?out going girl or some like that?


Alina Alexandra June 28 at 10:49pm
No, I am not an outgoing type of girl unfortunately. I prefer to sit at home and solve physics equations and eat tonnes of ice cream. Although lately I have been really good and have managed to lose 5kg, so I am back to my usual weight of 94.6kg. Yes, it is still not my ideal weight (which is 91.5kg), but I don't mind because I never get cold in winter. I stay indoors most of the time because sunlight gives me pimples. You are probably wondering why I have a photo of a hot chick as my profile pic? Well, it makes me feel good that I once used to look attractive, even in my early 30s, before I enrolled in a rocket science course.

Wednesday 8 June 2011

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter.


Ðr ----- May 29 at 8:52pm Report
Hi alina how are U ? i wanna be your friend ? u are looking so beautiful.


Alina Alexandra May 29 at 8:56pm
Hello there! Do you want to be friends with me because I look beautiful? No thanks.


Ðr ----- May 29 at 8:58pm Report
ah no i just said u are beautiful !
not because of just u are beautiful !
because i like u


Alina Alexandra May 29 at 8:59pm
I am flattered. Really.


Ðr ----- May 29 at 9:00pm Report
It doesn't matter cause u are very lovely ! and i hope we become friends


Ðr ----- May 29 at 9:01pm Report
i wanna become ur friend


Ðr ----- May 29 at 9:02pm Report
u are from Russia right ?


Alina Alexandra May 29 at 9:03pm
What makes you think I am lovely? Why would you want to be my friend?


Ðr ----- May 29 at 9:03pm Report
alina !!!
u dont like if someone say u are beautiful ?


Ðr ----- May 29 at 9:04pm Report
Just because of your face ! i think u are a nice girl so ! i wanna becme ur friend ?


Ðr ----- May 29 at 9:06pm Report
I am new in perth


Alina Alexandra May 29 at 9:06pm
Yes I'm from Russia...and I am actually 42 (using my daughter’s photo) and have 3 kids.


Ðr ----- May 29 at 9:06pm Report
and other thing i like russian so much


Ðr ----- May 29 at 9:07pm Report
oh ???


Ðr ----- May 29 at 9:07pm Report
really ? she is your daughter ?


Ðr ----- May 29 at 9:08pm Report
alina if your daughter is so beautiful u must be beautful also !


Ðr ----- May 29 at 9:09pm Report
Are u in perth now or russia ?


Alina Alexandra May 29 at 9:10pm
Was my response not clear enough for you??


Ðr ----- May 29 at 9:12pm Report
yeah u said


Ðr ----- May 29 at 9:12pm Report
where do u live ?


Alina Alexandra May 29 at 9:14pm
At the moment I am living in a small village near Kiev in Ukraine...using dial up internet while my husband is asleep.


Ðr ----- May 29 at 9:15pm Report
u looking angry ?


Ðr ----- May 29 at 9:15pm Report
i m scared haha


Ðr ----- May 29 at 9:15pm Report
can we be freinds ?


Ðr ----- May 29 at 9:16pm Report
Oh.. i thought u are in perth


Alina Alexandra May 29 at 9:17pm
How do you know I look angry when you can't see me?


Ðr ----- 29 at 9:20pm Report
i can feel that from ur talks ! but i hope u be happy always


Ðr ----- May 29 at 9:20pm Report
will u come to perth ?


Alina Alexandra May 29 at 9:24pm
No.











Anil --- May 25 at 9:55am Report
Hyy
Sent via Facebook Mobile


Alina Alexandra May 25 at 12:09pm
Dear Anil,
Thank you for a heart-warming message. How long did it take you to come up with such beautiful text?


Anil --- May 25 at 5:42pm Report
Hi,
Alina how are u ?
Heartly thank for reply my message. And whats up!
Sent via Facebook Mobile


Alina Alexandra May 25 at 11:24pm
Dear Anil,
Are you looking for a Russian bride, by any chance? If so, I am a very funny, smart person but have anger management problems, 6 toes on my left foot and I am actually 42 (I found a random photo using google images and though it would be a good idea to put it up as a profile photo so that I have better luck attracting random men on facebook)


Anil --- May 26 at 12:15am Report
Hi alina,
don't mind,my only purpose to talk to you that i just want to know about your country so don't mind plz
Sent via Facebook Mobile


Alina Alexandra May 26 at 1:00am
Dear Anil,
Have you tried visiting Google and Wikipedia? They both are great sources of information!


Anil --- May 27 at 12:07am Report
thanks
Sent via Facebook Mobile















Brenton ---May 24 at 7:38pm Report
Get on my 8 incher ;)
Sent via Facebook Mobile


Alina Alexandra May 24 at 8:25pm
Ew!!


Brenton --- May 24 at 8:25pm Report
;)
Sent via Facebook Mobile


Brenton --- May 24 at 10:17pm Report
Don't u like them big
Sent via Facebook Mobile


Alina Alexandra May 25 at 3:38am
Dear Brenton,
If I was to tell you that I didn't like them big, would you make it shorter for me?


Brenton --- May 25 at 3:39am Report
Id make a shrink ray
Sent via Facebook Mobile


Alina Alexandra May 25 at 3:41am
Whatever that means. Please go chop it off and don't email me again.















Brent --- May 17 at 11:01pm Report
ahh pinup girl aaha :)


Alina Alexandra May 18 at 1:41am
Wrong person, Brent!


Brent --- May 18 at 2:01am Report
Your up late/early haha :)... And nope my eyes don't lie I have the right person haha
Sent via Facebook Mobile


Brent --- May 18 at 2:01am Report
Oh do u live in Russia???
Sent via Facebook Mobile


Alina Alexandra May 18 at 2:27am
You are right! I am up quite late! I enjoy staying up reading articles about dinosaurs, playing violent computer games and responding to fb messages...especially messages sent from people who believe I am the "cheesecake" model from the 40s - 50s, a desperate woman who unwittingly participates in the industry that seeks to idealise women unrealistically, as women without ambitions or personalities of their own.


Brent --- May 18 at 2:30am Report
Haha In not sure if your being sarcastic or what .. But that all sounds rather full on haha who doesn't love dinosaurs.. And u didn't answer my second question :)
Sent via Facebook Mobile


Alina Alexandra May 18 at 2:38am
Do you like dinosaurs as well? Awesome...whats your favourite one? I like several macronarian Sauropods: Camarasaurus, Brachiosaurus, Giraffatitan, and Euhelopus, mostly because they all have fancy names I can't pronounce.
What makes you think I live in Russia, Brent?


Brent --- May 18 at 2:44am Report
Hahaha ah your a strange one :).. But id have to say outer space and the paranormal are more interesting .. Ah because I'm on my iPhone and all I can see on your page is .. Hometown. Moscow
Sent via Facebook Mobile


Alina Alexandra May 18 at 3:02am
I always used to think I was fairly normal, but I'm afraid some people don't agree with me. You see, Brent, I collect dead frogs and lizards, perhaps because they remind me of dinosaurs. When I was 5 years old I got bitten by a small lizard, which was quite traumatising (it also left its wriggling tail behind and ran away after the unprovoked attack, which I also found very distressing). I have since developed fear and hatred for crawling and jumping creatures and have joined a couple of groups on myspace (back in the day when it was still cool) that promote violence against these pests. Maybe this does sound strange to you, but I feel that my experiences have helped me develop into a sophisticated human being.


Brent --- May 18 at 3:09am Report
ahhaha hey youd be glad that i have a lab tomorrow and ill be cutting up frogs and mice.. so when i slice them up ill do it for you haha.. No not strange just how your typing seems like your taking the mickey.. But then again i have no idea about you.. and its most likely going to stay that way.


Alina Alexandra May 18 at 12:03pm
Brent, I actually don't mind (I dare to say like) mice. What you said about cutting up mice made me feel a little dizzy and sick.. Furry little innocent creatures getting sliced in the name of science...I once had a pet mouse named Cookie. My grandma found it in a jar of cookies one day and was about to kill it, but I saved it, kept it as a pet for a couple of days, then took it down to my neighbours' house because I didn't like them much, and they didn't like mice.
So what is this course that you are doing that requires you to be sadistic to little creatures?


Brent --- May 18 at 12:26pm Report
Haha your little stories make me smile... But hopefully me cutting up these little creatures now will benefit their brothers and sisters in the long run ...I'm at curtin studying environmental science ... Soo how old even are you if you don't mind me asking? I'm assuming your around 23 ?


Alina Alexandra May 18 at 2:18pm
Brent, I think cutting up little creatures will benefit our entire society, but I think it’s a horrible thing to do. I would never kill a little creature on purpose or perform any sort of research on a dead/alive frog or mouse. It makes me sad. Being a scientist, you have probably heard of the experiment conducted by the researchers from the University of California in 2006, who used 30 monkeys for vision experiments; each monkey was anesthetized for a single physiological experiment lasting up to 120 hours, and then euthanized.
I have been putting up old photos of myself on facebook, because it makes me feel better when I think about how attractive I used to look back in the day. I am 33.


Brent --- May 18 at 11:54pm Report
accept my addddd :)


Brent --- May 19 at 2:44am Report
Your like a spider


Brent --- May 19 at 2:46am Report
And how come your so nocturnal ?? Vampire hey.. Don't u have work?


Alina Alexandra May 19 at 2:50am
I don't work. I stay up replying to messages sent by random guys who think I am a pin up girl.


Brent --- May 22 at 9:54am Report
Wanna see something 22 cm long


Alina Alexandra May 22 at 10:15pm
No.