Boganisms

The following comments contain no venom. They are not aimed at fuelling Australian class war. Also, I am certainly not trying to use the “bogan” stereotype to make myself feel superior to VB drinking, Ute driving, flannelette wearing people. Nevertheless, it seems as though there are so many activities that bogans engage in, so many values and attitudes they possess that differ completely to, say, inner-city folks, that it seems somewhat plausible to speculate and have a bit of a laugh about what sets Aussie bogans apart from non-bogans. And, well, I would certainly welcome any retaliation comments making fun of our non-bogan culture and experiences such as going to obscure countries to learn about history, enjoying retro bars and engaging in intellectual activities.

A “bogan” is…

1. Someone who tries to disguise their boganism by substituting steel capped boots, reflective stripe shirts and other type of fluro attire with khaki coloured shorts and Bintang singlets (or those more fashion conscious splashing out on a clothing item with a Rip curl logo on it).

2. Someone jumping at a chance of either getting blind drunk or uncovering as much skin under the disguise of “formal attire” as possible (or both) on the Melbourne cup day. A male bogan will usually be seen wearing a suit, white sneakers, rocking a pair of fully sick European designer sunglasses, urinating in public areas, and then passing out. A typical female bogan will attempt to pull off the “sophisticated” look by dressing up in latest Target fashion ensemble and a fascinator that makes her look like a parrot that has just collided with a car. By the end of the day, shoes in hand, she will be seen vomiting all over her partner's white sneakers and...passing out.

3. Someone who enjoys hanging out on footpaths outside nightclubs at 2am. Upon gaining entry to a nightclub, a bogan will only stay inside for as long as it takes to ingest a VB or a couple of jager bombs, threaten to punch/glass someone before realising that the chicks are probably hotter and beats are sicker at the other night spot (the fear of not having the most maxtreme experience). Off to another club, after a good grope and a couple more jager bombs, a bogan will re-emerge for a quick smoko, a punch on with bouncers and eventually spend the rest of the night on the footpath vomiting.

4. Occupants of Party Buses having a maxtreme bogan party session (21st birthday, hen’s night, etc) involving thrilling activities such as pole dancing competitions and flashing passer-by’s, all guided by a trustworthy and responsible host Brad. At the end of the night, all the occupants of the maxtreme bogan party session will re-emerge on CBD footpaths in search for the bride-to-be, who was last seen leaving the Paramount nightclub with the host.

5. Someone who suffers from homophobia. When someone is being expressive, smart or in any way divergent from boganic culture, a male bogan will search its vocabulary for an intelligent comeback, fail and respond using a synonym of “homosexual”. A male bogan would do anything to shake off any signs of homosexuality by buying the manliest car and participating in a group orgy after a game of footy. Female bogans appear to be more tolerant of homosexuality, only on the surface through. The regular dancefloor pashing sessions are a clever strategy to increase their sex appeal to heterosexual male bogans.

6. Someone who demands that the entire Federal budget is contributed solely to supporting and expanding boganity and who has a persistent intuitive sense of when he/she is being ripped off. Doubling the baby bonus not being on government’s agenda is unacceptable.

7. A female who demands political correctness that legitimises her robust forms by proclaiming that she wants to see more “real women” portrayed in the media. Despite painstaking adherence to fad diets, exercising once a week (aka walking to the letterbox and back) and religiously watching the Biggest Loser: Families, the female bogan’s waistline is expanding exponentially thus giving her more reasons to demand editors of OK! Magazine to put real suburban housewives on the cover.

8. Someone who watches Today/Tonight on regular basis and thinks that without this show, their stories of deep hatred of authority, immigrants and non-bogans ripping off bogans would otherwise be left untold. Each night at 6:30pm, a true bogan indulges in 30 minutes of maxtreme journalistic tactics like carpark pursuits, ambushes and hidden cameras and, of course, a good dose of stories about interest-free home theatre systems.

9. Someone who has Southern Cross tattoos, advertising their cultural sensitivity, deep patriotism (perhaps not being fully aware of the fact that the constellation can be visible from a couple of dozen other countries and appears not only on Australian flag, but also the flags of New Zealand, Samoa, Brazil and Papua New Guinea) and maxtreme toughness.

10. Someone who flies to Bali and Thailand…a lot…and prefers to stick to only those two locations. Bali is still a great place to observe shirtless bogans running around in the wild, but after recent terrorist attacks and Shapelle Corby’s failure at becoming an international importer/exporter, fuelled by intense craving for cheap sex, booze and an urge to get tramp stamps, bogans have discovered yet another spiritual retreat – Thailand. Purchasing a beer singlet to wear at the gym back home is a must.

11. Someone who misspells their kids’ names due to the constant quest to be unique. Little Jakxsen, Jaxon, Hayleigh, Braydon and….Psymon….they will be spelling out their names for the next 80 years or so.

12. Someone who thinks that walking into a Harvey Norman, picking out the largest LCD screen in store, carrying it back to the Ute without paying a cent is the best deal ever! The bogan refuses to consider monthly fees and the 70% interest once the 24 months are up. The bogan usually gets upset when formal looking men start arriving at his house on regular basis, menacingly playing with little Jakxsen, with an implication of possible kidnap if the repayments are not made within the next month. This situation usually leads to the bogan contacting the producers of Today/Tonight and demanding sympathy by depicting himself as only slightly naïve victim of big fish like Harvey Norman.

13. Someone who persistently tries to ruin music festivals. As a day goes by and the bogan consumes more beer and recreational drugs he/she can possibly handle, he/she gravitates towards others like him/her, identifiable by a lack of shirt, a Southern Cross tattoo, an intense sunburn, or all of the above. After the group reaches 100+ members, the list of activities extends to more thrilling ones like terrorising anyone who, from the first glance, does not fit into the ‘bogan’ category, as well as intimidating foreign-looking people into kissing the Australian flag.